Gemini- You will get laid on the 17th of December. Don’t get too excited though. You will get pregnant, and it will be by a hobo.
Sagittarius- You will have passionate sex with a centaur. Have fun, girl!
Virgo- You will die alone and have no sex. Ever.
Scorpio- You will lose all of your money and become a hooker. Embrace the new career opportunity.
Taurus- You will get murdered by a mailman soon. Sorry.
Cancer- You will have a sexual experience with a wild animal. It may seem exciting, but you will need vaginal reconstructive surgery when it is over.
Aquarius- You will masturbate with a banana, but it will break off inside you as you climax. Get ready for an awkward visit to the doctor’s office.
Pisces- I suggest you drop out of school. You are gonna be a porn star when you grow up, so why bother trying now?
Aries- You will lose your American Girl Doll and you’ll go to the store to get a new one but you will not have enough money. So you will steal it and get arrested and get raped with a mop handle every night in prison.
Capricorn- Your vagina will fall off soon. And a penis will grow in it's place. Enjoy!
Leo- You will go through early menopause.. Next month.
Sagittarius- You will have passionate sex with a centaur. Have fun, girl!
Virgo- You will die alone and have no sex. Ever.
Scorpio- You will lose all of your money and become a hooker. Embrace the new career opportunity.
Taurus- You will get murdered by a mailman soon. Sorry.
Cancer- You will have a sexual experience with a wild animal. It may seem exciting, but you will need vaginal reconstructive surgery when it is over.
Aquarius- You will masturbate with a banana, but it will break off inside you as you climax. Get ready for an awkward visit to the doctor’s office.
Pisces- I suggest you drop out of school. You are gonna be a porn star when you grow up, so why bother trying now?
Aries- You will lose your American Girl Doll and you’ll go to the store to get a new one but you will not have enough money. So you will steal it and get arrested and get raped with a mop handle every night in prison.
Capricorn- Your vagina will fall off soon. And a penis will grow in it's place. Enjoy!
Leo- You will go through early menopause.. Next month.